Beware ... Bread on the Rise!
A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "Smell of baked bread
may be health hazard." The article went on to describe the dangers of
the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the
organic components of this aroma may break down ozone.
I was horrified. When are we going to do something about
bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but
when is the government going to go after Big Bread?
Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered
should make anyone think twice...
- More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
- Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming
households score below average on standardized tests.
- In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the
home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant
mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in
childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and
influenza ravaged whole nations.
- More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24
hours of eating bread.
- Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been
proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to
suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that
in one month!
- Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low
incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and
- Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of
bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little
as two days.
- Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to
"harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold
- Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is
more than 90 percent water, it logically follows that eating bread
could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food
product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding
- Newborn babies can choke on bread.
- Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees
Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one
- Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish
between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following
- No sale of bread to minors.
- No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.
- A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the
societal ills we might associate with bread.
- No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may
appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
- A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with
celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
- A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread
Just a bit of whimsey that I received from an email pal and thought
I'd share with you!
© 1998-2011 John R. Stevenson. All Rights Reserved
Please email questions and comments to: StevenJR@MUOhio.edu
Department of Microbiology
Oxford, Ohio 45056
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